January 25, 2014
November 22, 2013
The End
Everything happened so fast. One day we were told he had cancer. The next week we were told he had liver and kidney failure and had about a month. The next day we were told he has 2 weeks. Then we were told he had 2 days then we were told he had hours. In a matter of 3 days my grandpa went from having 2 -4 weeks, to hours to live.
I was planning to go see him since he was coming home. I talked with my cousin and she said to go to his house when I got into town and they would all meet me over there. As I was driving up there I received a phone call from my cousin saying "Just come to hospital, okay? Come to the hospital first." It was at that point that I started freaking out. For the first time everything hit. Everything became real.
I walked into the hospital with no idea where to go. I asked what room he was in and a nurse took me up. My uncle was coming out to the elevator and he looks at me and says "They will prep you before you go in." I couldn't move. It was hard to breathe. WHAT was going on?!? I found my cousin and she grabs me into this big hug and says "That's not grandpa in there. It's not him." I took a deep breath and I walked into the room.
I tried to hold back the tears as my aunt said "Dad, Samantha is here to see you." and all grandpa could do was move his head a little and give a moan of a hi. Jessy was right, it wasn't grandpa. Jessy, Jenny, aunt Donna and I stood there with grandpa for a little bit. Grandpa feel asleep so us cousins left the room and I called my dad. I was bawling. How was I suppose to tell him that this was start of the end? That he needed to get up here right away if he wanted to say goodbye to his dad? Dad left work and got up there as soon they could. It felt like forever before they finally got there. I wasn't alone, but it certainly felt like I was.
The day came and went. It was a long one. We spent the night in the hospital with grandpa, no one wanted to leave him alone. It was a rough night of sleep. Grandpa scared us many times, so many times we thought he was letting go. He made it through the night, slowly becoming less responsive. So, here we are at Thursday morning. No one has slept well for days and no one slept the night before. We were all exhausted. Exhausted emotionally, exhausted physically, exhausted mentally. Just all around exhausted. The doctor grandpa has had for 18 years came in and checked on him, let him know that he came to visit. hospice came in and checked his vitals.
My aunt requested a minute alone with grandpa. She called us all back in the room, and grandpa took his last breath. He took it with all 6 of his children around him. Every one of them made it to see him. He knew they were there. Grandpa died comfortably, very comfortably. I held my aunt as cried. We all held each other as we all cried.
Now, we await for the funeral. Monday and Tuesday will be hard, real hard. However, family will all be together. Cousins coming in from out of state, all 6 of grandpa's kids will still be there. We will all be together. Just as grandpa always liked it. Everyone all together. Grandpa is now with his wife and 2 other children. He is out of pain and rejoicing with the Lord.
We will miss you grandpa. You will never be forgotten. We have always loved you and always will love you.
I was planning to go see him since he was coming home. I talked with my cousin and she said to go to his house when I got into town and they would all meet me over there. As I was driving up there I received a phone call from my cousin saying "Just come to hospital, okay? Come to the hospital first." It was at that point that I started freaking out. For the first time everything hit. Everything became real.
I walked into the hospital with no idea where to go. I asked what room he was in and a nurse took me up. My uncle was coming out to the elevator and he looks at me and says "They will prep you before you go in." I couldn't move. It was hard to breathe. WHAT was going on?!? I found my cousin and she grabs me into this big hug and says "That's not grandpa in there. It's not him." I took a deep breath and I walked into the room.
I tried to hold back the tears as my aunt said "Dad, Samantha is here to see you." and all grandpa could do was move his head a little and give a moan of a hi. Jessy was right, it wasn't grandpa. Jessy, Jenny, aunt Donna and I stood there with grandpa for a little bit. Grandpa feel asleep so us cousins left the room and I called my dad. I was bawling. How was I suppose to tell him that this was start of the end? That he needed to get up here right away if he wanted to say goodbye to his dad? Dad left work and got up there as soon they could. It felt like forever before they finally got there. I wasn't alone, but it certainly felt like I was.
The day came and went. It was a long one. We spent the night in the hospital with grandpa, no one wanted to leave him alone. It was a rough night of sleep. Grandpa scared us many times, so many times we thought he was letting go. He made it through the night, slowly becoming less responsive. So, here we are at Thursday morning. No one has slept well for days and no one slept the night before. We were all exhausted. Exhausted emotionally, exhausted physically, exhausted mentally. Just all around exhausted. The doctor grandpa has had for 18 years came in and checked on him, let him know that he came to visit. hospice came in and checked his vitals.
My aunt requested a minute alone with grandpa. She called us all back in the room, and grandpa took his last breath. He took it with all 6 of his children around him. Every one of them made it to see him. He knew they were there. Grandpa died comfortably, very comfortably. I held my aunt as cried. We all held each other as we all cried.
Now, we await for the funeral. Monday and Tuesday will be hard, real hard. However, family will all be together. Cousins coming in from out of state, all 6 of grandpa's kids will still be there. We will all be together. Just as grandpa always liked it. Everyone all together. Grandpa is now with his wife and 2 other children. He is out of pain and rejoicing with the Lord.
We will miss you grandpa. You will never be forgotten. We have always loved you and always will love you.
November 19, 2013
I Love You, Grandpa
As I heard the news that my grandfather's life is coming to an end, I froze. I had no idea what to do or say. We all expected to him to live to be at least 100, and now, in my mind, his life is ending at least 7 years too soon. Every time I think about it, I bawl like a toddler who just got their toy taken away. When I look around and see that every one else is continuing on with their lives, I can't help but want to scream at them. Don't they know what is going on?! Don't they know that tragedy has struck?! WHY are they so happy?! But then I remember that they truly don't know what's going on. They really have no idea. And let's be real, it's not a world tragedy, just something that feels like a tragedy in my own life.
During these times of feeling so alone, I so badly want to feel God's presence. I know He is there but really feeling that right now is a struggle. I am angry. Why couldn't this of waited even just two more months? Until after my wedding is over? Why can't my grandpa be there? Why can't my dream come true? Why can't grandpa live to be 100? Why must it end so soon? Why does it have to all happen so fast? That's a lot of questions that will most likely go unanswered. I am sure I will find out someday, but the waiting game is just too much at times.
It is times like these that I am thankful for friends, family, and of course my wonderful fiance. The people that listen, the people that care, the people that just let me cry. It's during these times that I really appreciate all the moments I was able to have with my grandpa. He lived to be almost 93! That's a long time...filled with a lot of memories.
There are so many things I want to say to my grandpa and so many things I want to do with him before he leave this Earth. Right now though, all I can is, " I love you grandpa. I love you as far as the East is from the West. Enjoy being with grandma, tell her I say hi. I love you grandpa."
January 3, 2013
Urbana 12
What a journey that God took me on December 27-Janurary 1st. I am more messed up now than I was going into this conference, which I figured I would be but not to the extent that I am. I learned 3-4 years of information in 5 days. I worshiped our wonderful God in 6 different languages. I worshiped our God and learned about our God with 18,000 other believers; young and old. I learned more and more what it is to be a Biblical Christian rather than an American Christian. There were speakers upon speakers upon speakers. There were 250 organizations there and a bookstore with over 1,100 different titles. There were skits and dancing. There was ringing in the New Year. There was long car rides, late nights, little sleep, lots of bonding, and growing. None of those things would I have changed or turned in, they were all so worth it. All I want to do is shout from the mountaintops and go and do. I want to accept the invitations that God has presented me with. I want to say that i lived with a purpose and that purpose was doing everything and anything God asked of me.
Want to know more? Don't be afraid to ask. I would love to talk about it!
Want to know more? Don't be afraid to ask. I would love to talk about it!
June 24, 2012
Haiti(After)
I've been back from Haiti for 6 months now and it's taken me this long to write about it. It's taken me this long because I'm still not done learning or growing from my experience. I learned a lot there, more then I ever thought I would in a week. It's been a roller coaster of emotions since being back. It hasn't been easy and I don't know if life will ever be "easy" again. I'm constantly aware of luxuries I have and what that means. I'm constantly aware of how much more I have here. I'm constantly aware of how different life is.
Going to the store is not an easy task anymore. In fact, when I go, I find myself getting angry and upset. It's hard to look at how many different options we have for things. Why does there need to be 10 different kinds of bread? Why does there have to be 10 different brands of the same cereal? I just don't get it.
Why must people feel the need to waste water? Why does it take 20 minutes to take a shower? Why do you have to leave the water running while you brush your teeth? We are so blessed that the water that comes out of our faucets is clean. We can drink and use this water without having to worry about getting sick from it. It amazes me how much people just don't get.
Now, with all that being said I understand that sometimes you don't get until you experience it. Before I went to Haiti I had an idea of how good we have it but now that I've experienced it, I understand it so much more. I understand the differences and I understand what it means to be starving and what it means to just be hungry.
It's hard being back in the states even though it has been 6 months. I'm learning how to be thankful for what I have but to not take it for granted. I want to go back, I want to go back so badly. I want to go love on some kids and help in whatever way I can. I just have to wait for God to give me the go ahead.
Going to the store is not an easy task anymore. In fact, when I go, I find myself getting angry and upset. It's hard to look at how many different options we have for things. Why does there need to be 10 different kinds of bread? Why does there have to be 10 different brands of the same cereal? I just don't get it.
Why must people feel the need to waste water? Why does it take 20 minutes to take a shower? Why do you have to leave the water running while you brush your teeth? We are so blessed that the water that comes out of our faucets is clean. We can drink and use this water without having to worry about getting sick from it. It amazes me how much people just don't get.
Now, with all that being said I understand that sometimes you don't get until you experience it. Before I went to Haiti I had an idea of how good we have it but now that I've experienced it, I understand it so much more. I understand the differences and I understand what it means to be starving and what it means to just be hungry.
It's hard being back in the states even though it has been 6 months. I'm learning how to be thankful for what I have but to not take it for granted. I want to go back, I want to go back so badly. I want to go love on some kids and help in whatever way I can. I just have to wait for God to give me the go ahead.
January 3, 2012
Haiti(Before)
I leave for Haiti in 2 days. That's it. Just 2 days. I'm overwhelmed with the amount of emotions I am feeling right now. I'm so uber excited but at the same time I'm so uberly nervous. What am I doing? I'm going into this with absolutely no idea what I will be doing. It's a real opportunity to follow God and just go where He needs me. I'll be doing my best to live how they live down there, as much as I'm allowed to anyway. We will actually be given lots of luxuries down there which I'm not too excited about right now, but we'll see if that changes while I'm down there. I'm excited to see what God has in store. He must have huge plans because it's not like me to just go with a bunch of people I don't know, especially out of the country. I can't believe the time as already come and I'm packing and saying goodbye to people tomorrow and then just chilling out at home on Thursday. ahh! My eyes are going to be opened wide while down there. My heart has been down there since September and it's just waiting for my body to catch up. My heart is already breaking for the people down there and I have to be cautious of my giving/helping as well. Oh man. This trip is going to change me forever. This is just the beginning too.
August 19, 2011
Crying
I hate to cry, absolutely hate it. In fact it's really rare for me to cry and it's even more rare for someone to see me cry. However lately I've been in the mood of I need to cry and I need to cry now. But I most definitely don't want to cry alone, I want someone to be there, I want someone to hold me, I want someone to tell me it's all going to be okay. But my issue is I don't feel like I can do that with anyone. I don't feel like I'm close enough to anyone anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know God is there for me every minute of everyday and I'm so thankful and blessed for that. I've really learned to rely on Him but it would also be nice to have someone in the physical sense to help me out. I know I have to allow God to help me though this and I am. I just need someone. I just need to cry.
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