Crying

I hate to cry, absolutely hate it. In fact it's really rare for me to cry and it's even more rare for someone to see me cry. However lately I've been in the mood of I need to cry and I need to cry now. But I most definitely don't want to cry alone, I want someone to be there, I want someone to hold me, I want someone to tell me it's all going to be okay. But my issue is I don't feel like I can do that with anyone. I don't feel like I'm close enough to anyone anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know God is there for me every minute of everyday and I'm so thankful and blessed for that. I've really learned to rely on Him but it would also be nice to have someone in the physical sense to help me out. I know I have to allow God to help me though this and I am. I just need someone. I just need to cry.

As I was sitting having coffee with a friend tonight I realized how much people really know about me. Not gonna lie, that scares the crap out of me. I don't know why I hate people knowing my life, but I do. I think it's mostly because I like to put on a mask for people. I like to pretend that everything is okay because if other people don't know that somethings wrong then it's a lot easier for me to push it aside and not deal with it. That way nothing is wrong, that way I don't have to talk about it.

I wish I could start over and have a new slate. I want to go to a place where no one knows anything about me and I can re choose what I tell people. It's not that I hate my life, I just hate how people react to my life. I hate the pity that comes with the stories. I know God can use me for big things through out these situations and He has big plans for me. I just wish other people would see that when I tell them these stories. I don't tell them for the reaction, I tell them to help them grow and see that God can work in amazing ways.

New life

This is it. I'm changing my life around. I'm making my body healthier and my life more effective. I'm going to be more productive and try a lot harder. I'm going to live for God and be with Him everyday, not just when I feel like it. This is it. I'm changing my life around today.

Roomie

God put her in my life for reason. I don't know why, but I know He had a purpose for doing so. There were many times where I would get frustrated because I could see that she was coming so far along. She would really be thinking about Him, she'd ask question after question and then just when I thought she would be getting close, she'd fall completely away. I'm excited and nervous for her future. I know I'm not responsible for anyone but myself, but I'm nervous that since I won't be a major part in her life anymore she won't get that Christian influence. This is when I really need to trust God that He will do what needs to be done, which I know He will. Last night she told me I better call her and skype her all the time next year, which really made me happy. I'll still be part of her life and I love it. I can't imagine not being part of her life. I'm most definitely going to miss her as a roomie, it's going to be hard to move on to someone new(even though I'm more then excited to room with Marissa). I have had some of my best times with her, so many laughs, and tears, and late night roomie conversations. We were able to live with each other super well. It was a great time.

God put her in my life for a reason. I don't know why, but I'm glad he did. =]

Thought Questions

1. What are the three most powerful words in the English language?

2. In 1 word how would you describe the society you live in?

3. What's something you take for granted everyday?

4. What does the child inside of you long for?

5. What is the greatest challenge facing today's youth?

6. What word best sums up your life thus far?

7. What is one thing, right now, that you're totally sure of?

=]

This will be super lame, but I don't even care :)

I know that a lot of people are stressed out with school & stuff right now, so I wanted to write something that would maybe make things a little easier :) So here is a short little list of super amazing things that are happening right now that we should all try to remember when we're feeling a little crappy. Life is too amazing to spend all of our time being stressed. A smile is the most beautiful curve on our bodies, so go show it off :)

Right now, a surgeon is in the middle of literally cutting a person open & saving their life - wow:) A cancer patient just found out that he is in remission. Somebody is smiling because of a memory with you. Somebody just put their extra change in the charity jar at a grocery store. A soldier is out fighting so you don't have to. Somebody who suffered a severe injury last year is back up on their feet & walking. A friend is helping a friend rise above her suicidal thoughts. Hundreds of cute, old couples are celebrating their 50th anniversarys together :) A future world leader is playing on the slides at recess. A little girl just took her first few steps without falling. A new mom is holding her baby in her arms for the first time. Someone is singing in the shower at the top of their lungs :) A firefighter is running into a building to save a complete stranger. An alcoholic is celebrating one year of sobriety. There's somebody in another part of the world studying their butt off, so they can maybe someday be in the position that you are in right now. Somebody is laughing so hard that they can't even breathe.

Think of all the simple pleasures that get overlooked every single day.. Accidently hearing somebody say something nice about you. Random good hair days. Dropping something & grabbing it before it hits the ground :) When questions on your exams give you the answers for questions on the next page. Being next in line. When the song on the radio ends right when you park. Accidently saying something that rhymes. Hitting all green lights. Finding money in your jeans pocket.

I know it's super cheesy, but I think we could all use being reminded of how lucky we are sometimes. Things suck sometimes. School & work get to be way too much. But hey, life isn't easy. There's a lot that we have no control over, you're going to fail at a lot of things before you figure out where you belong. You won't always get what you want, not everybody will like you, and you're going to have a lot of really really sucky days. Somebody will always have it "better" than you. But at the same time, somebody is always going to have it worse. In the end, things always work out the way they were supposed to.

So I guess all I wanted to was to remind everybody of how lucky we actually are, even when we don't always feel like it. And if you feel like you're just really stressed & have no idea what you're doing anymore, if there was ever a moment to follow your passion & do something that matters to you, do it now. Do what makes you happy. Make sure you take plenty of time for yourself & really figure out where your priorities are. Life is way too short to keep putting things off until later. Take advantage of being young & having the amazing opportunites life is handing you right now. Theres no such thing as "risk free". Everything you do, & everything you don't do, comes with some kind of risk. Remember that you have so many people who really value your friendship, & that you might have made a bigger difference in somebody's life than you realized :)

"If you want love, give love. If you want friends, be friendly. If you want money, provide value. It really is this simple."

My Thanksgiving Psalm

This past weekend I went on this retreat that is basically sno camp for college kids. It was okay. I felt over crowded and annoyed with people because of recent events but it's okay. So, anyway, while at Winter break away we had to write our own Thanksgiving Psalm. This is mine:

Thank you God for the wonderful friends you have put in my life. They have showed me your love. You saved me from my darkest days with love and hope. You walk by my side all day every day and I will be forever grateful to call you my Savior. You life me up when I'm weak and call me to my knees. You give me the hope of Heaven, the hope of eternal life. Thank you for being an all loving and forgiving God.

I am...I strive for

~I am breakable
~I am good with kids
~I am a hard worker
~I am a good friend
~I am a good listener
~I am a child of God
~I am loud and proud
~I am shy
~I am growing in my relationship with God

*I strive to be the best me
*I strive to live for God
*I strive to be a light for God
*I strive to share the Good News
*I strive to get good grades
*I strive to be more confident
*I strive to learn how to say no
*I strive to let people love me


Feel free to add on...or don't. Whatever floats your boat.