Dinner

Spicy chicken roll ups. Yumm. Definitely will be making this one again! 

The End

    Everything happened so fast. One day we were told he had cancer. The next week we were told he had liver and kidney failure and had about a month. The next day we were told he has 2 weeks. Then we were told he had 2 days then we were told he had hours. In a matter of 3 days my grandpa went from having 2 -4 weeks, to hours to live.
    I was planning to go see him since he was coming home. I talked with my cousin and she said to go to his house when I got into town and they would all meet me over there. As I was driving up there I received a phone call from my cousin saying "Just come to hospital, okay? Come to the hospital first." It was at that point that I started freaking out. For the first time everything hit. Everything became real.
   I walked into the hospital with no idea where to go. I asked what room he was in and a nurse took me up. My uncle was coming out to the elevator and he looks at me and says "They will prep you before you go in." I couldn't move. It was hard to breathe. WHAT was going on?!? I found my cousin and she grabs me into this big hug and says "That's not grandpa in there. It's not him." I took a deep breath and I walked into the room.
   I tried to hold back the tears as my aunt said "Dad, Samantha is here to see you." and all grandpa could do was move his head a little and give a moan of a hi. Jessy was right, it wasn't grandpa. Jessy, Jenny, aunt Donna and I stood there with grandpa for a little bit. Grandpa feel asleep so us cousins left the room and I called my dad. I was bawling. How was I suppose to tell  him that this was start of the end? That he needed to get up here right away if he wanted to say goodbye to his dad? Dad left work and got up there as soon they could. It felt like forever before they finally got there. I wasn't alone, but it certainly felt like I was.
  The day came and went. It was a long one. We spent the night in the hospital with grandpa, no one wanted to leave him alone. It was a rough night of sleep. Grandpa scared us many times, so many times we thought he was letting go. He made it through the night, slowly becoming less responsive. So, here we are at Thursday morning.  No one has slept well for days and no one slept the night before. We were all exhausted. Exhausted emotionally, exhausted physically, exhausted mentally. Just all around exhausted. The doctor grandpa has had for 18 years came in and checked on him, let him know that he came to visit. hospice came in and checked his vitals.
   My aunt requested a minute alone with grandpa. She called us all back in the room, and grandpa took his last breath. He took it with all 6 of his children around him. Every one of them made it to see him. He knew they were there. Grandpa died comfortably, very comfortably. I held my aunt as cried. We all held each other as we all cried.
   Now, we await for the funeral. Monday and Tuesday will be hard, real hard. However, family will all be together. Cousins coming in from out of state, all 6 of grandpa's kids will still be there. We will all be together. Just as grandpa always liked it. Everyone all together. Grandpa is now with his wife and 2 other children. He is out of pain and rejoicing with the Lord.

We will miss you grandpa. You will never be forgotten. We have always loved you and always will love you.

I Love You, Grandpa

            As I heard the news that my grandfather's life is coming to an end, I froze. I had no idea what to do or say. We all expected to him to live to be at least 100, and now, in my mind, his life is ending at least 7 years too soon. Every time I think about it, I bawl like a toddler who just got their toy taken away. When I look around and see that every one else is continuing on with their lives, I can't help but want to scream at them. Don't they know what is going on?! Don't they know that tragedy has struck?! WHY are they so happy?! But then I remember that they truly don't know what's going on. They really have no idea. And let's be real, it's not a world tragedy, just something that feels like a tragedy in my own life. 

           During these times of feeling so alone, I so badly want to feel God's presence. I know He is there but really feeling that right now is a struggle. I am angry. Why couldn't this of waited even just two more months? Until after my wedding is over? Why can't my grandpa be there? Why can't my dream come true? Why can't grandpa live to be 100? Why must it end so soon? Why does it have to all happen so fast? That's a lot of questions that will most likely go unanswered. I am sure I will find out someday, but the waiting game is just too much at times.

          It is times like these that I am thankful for friends, family, and of course my wonderful fiance. The people that listen, the people that care, the people that just let me cry. It's during these times that I really appreciate all the moments I was able to have with my grandpa. He lived to be almost 93! That's a long time...filled with a lot of memories. 

        There are so many things I want to say to my grandpa and so many things I want to do with him before he leave this Earth. Right now though, all I can is, " I love you grandpa. I love you as far as the East is from the West. Enjoy being  with grandma, tell her I say hi. I love you grandpa."

          

Urbana 12

What a journey that God took me on December 27-Janurary 1st. I am more messed up now than I was going into this conference, which I figured I would be but not to the extent that I am. I learned 3-4 years of information in 5 days. I worshiped our wonderful God in 6 different languages. I worshiped our God and learned about our God with 18,000 other believers; young and old. I learned more and more what it is to be a Biblical Christian rather than an American Christian. There were speakers upon speakers upon speakers. There were 250 organizations there and a bookstore with over 1,100 different titles. There were skits and dancing. There was ringing in the New Year. There was long car rides, late nights, little sleep, lots of bonding, and growing. None of those things would I have changed or turned in, they were all so worth it. All I want to do is shout from the mountaintops and go and do. I want to accept the invitations that God has presented me with. I want to say that i lived with a purpose and that purpose was doing everything and anything God asked of me. 

Want to know more? Don't be afraid to ask. I would love to talk about it!

Haiti(After)

I've been back from Haiti for 6 months now and it's taken me this long to write about it. It's taken me this long because I'm still not done learning or growing from my experience. I learned a lot there, more then I ever thought I would in a week. It's been a roller coaster of emotions since being back. It hasn't been easy and I don't know if life will ever be "easy" again. I'm constantly aware of luxuries I have and what that means. I'm constantly aware of how much more I have here. I'm constantly aware of how different life is.

Going to the store is not an easy task anymore. In fact, when I go, I find myself getting angry and upset. It's hard to look at how many different options we have for things. Why does there need to be 10 different kinds of bread? Why does there have to be 10 different brands of the same cereal? I just don't get it.

Why must people feel the need to waste water? Why does it take 20 minutes to take a shower? Why do you have to leave the water running while you brush your teeth? We are so blessed that the water that comes out of our faucets is clean. We can drink and use this water without having to worry about getting sick from it. It amazes me how much people just don't get.

Now, with all that being said I understand that sometimes you don't get until you experience it. Before I went to Haiti I had an idea of how good we have it but now that I've experienced it, I understand it so much more.  I understand the differences and I understand what it means to be starving and what it means to just be hungry.

It's hard being back in the states even though it has been 6 months. I'm learning how to be thankful for what I have but to not take it for granted. I want to go back, I want to go back so badly. I want to go love on some kids and help in whatever way I can. I just have to wait for God to give me the go ahead.

Haiti(Before)

I leave for Haiti in 2 days. That's it. Just 2 days. I'm overwhelmed with the amount of emotions I am feeling right now. I'm so uber excited but at the same time I'm so uberly nervous. What am I doing? I'm going into this with absolutely no idea what I will be doing. It's a real opportunity to follow God and just go where He needs me. I'll be doing my best to live how they live down there, as much as I'm allowed to anyway. We will actually be given lots of luxuries down there which I'm not too excited about right now, but we'll see if that changes while I'm down there. I'm excited to see what God has in store. He must have huge plans because it's not like me to just go with a bunch of people I don't know, especially out of the country. I can't believe the time as already come and I'm packing and saying goodbye to people tomorrow and then just chilling out at home on Thursday. ahh! My eyes are going to be opened wide while down there. My heart has been down there since September and it's just waiting for my body to catch up. My heart is already breaking for the people down there and I have to be cautious of my giving/helping as well. Oh man. This trip is going to change me forever. This is just the beginning too.

Crying

I hate to cry, absolutely hate it. In fact it's really rare for me to cry and it's even more rare for someone to see me cry. However lately I've been in the mood of I need to cry and I need to cry now. But I most definitely don't want to cry alone, I want someone to be there, I want someone to hold me, I want someone to tell me it's all going to be okay. But my issue is I don't feel like I can do that with anyone. I don't feel like I'm close enough to anyone anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know God is there for me every minute of everyday and I'm so thankful and blessed for that. I've really learned to rely on Him but it would also be nice to have someone in the physical sense to help me out. I know I have to allow God to help me though this and I am. I just need someone. I just need to cry.

As I was sitting having coffee with a friend tonight I realized how much people really know about me. Not gonna lie, that scares the crap out of me. I don't know why I hate people knowing my life, but I do. I think it's mostly because I like to put on a mask for people. I like to pretend that everything is okay because if other people don't know that somethings wrong then it's a lot easier for me to push it aside and not deal with it. That way nothing is wrong, that way I don't have to talk about it.

I wish I could start over and have a new slate. I want to go to a place where no one knows anything about me and I can re choose what I tell people. It's not that I hate my life, I just hate how people react to my life. I hate the pity that comes with the stories. I know God can use me for big things through out these situations and He has big plans for me. I just wish other people would see that when I tell them these stories. I don't tell them for the reaction, I tell them to help them grow and see that God can work in amazing ways.

New life

This is it. I'm changing my life around. I'm making my body healthier and my life more effective. I'm going to be more productive and try a lot harder. I'm going to live for God and be with Him everyday, not just when I feel like it. This is it. I'm changing my life around today.

Roomie

God put her in my life for reason. I don't know why, but I know He had a purpose for doing so. There were many times where I would get frustrated because I could see that she was coming so far along. She would really be thinking about Him, she'd ask question after question and then just when I thought she would be getting close, she'd fall completely away. I'm excited and nervous for her future. I know I'm not responsible for anyone but myself, but I'm nervous that since I won't be a major part in her life anymore she won't get that Christian influence. This is when I really need to trust God that He will do what needs to be done, which I know He will. Last night she told me I better call her and skype her all the time next year, which really made me happy. I'll still be part of her life and I love it. I can't imagine not being part of her life. I'm most definitely going to miss her as a roomie, it's going to be hard to move on to someone new(even though I'm more then excited to room with Marissa). I have had some of my best times with her, so many laughs, and tears, and late night roomie conversations. We were able to live with each other super well. It was a great time.

God put her in my life for a reason. I don't know why, but I'm glad he did. =]

Thought Questions

1. What are the three most powerful words in the English language?

2. In 1 word how would you describe the society you live in?

3. What's something you take for granted everyday?

4. What does the child inside of you long for?

5. What is the greatest challenge facing today's youth?

6. What word best sums up your life thus far?

7. What is one thing, right now, that you're totally sure of?

=]

This will be super lame, but I don't even care :)

I know that a lot of people are stressed out with school & stuff right now, so I wanted to write something that would maybe make things a little easier :) So here is a short little list of super amazing things that are happening right now that we should all try to remember when we're feeling a little crappy. Life is too amazing to spend all of our time being stressed. A smile is the most beautiful curve on our bodies, so go show it off :)

Right now, a surgeon is in the middle of literally cutting a person open & saving their life - wow:) A cancer patient just found out that he is in remission. Somebody is smiling because of a memory with you. Somebody just put their extra change in the charity jar at a grocery store. A soldier is out fighting so you don't have to. Somebody who suffered a severe injury last year is back up on their feet & walking. A friend is helping a friend rise above her suicidal thoughts. Hundreds of cute, old couples are celebrating their 50th anniversarys together :) A future world leader is playing on the slides at recess. A little girl just took her first few steps without falling. A new mom is holding her baby in her arms for the first time. Someone is singing in the shower at the top of their lungs :) A firefighter is running into a building to save a complete stranger. An alcoholic is celebrating one year of sobriety. There's somebody in another part of the world studying their butt off, so they can maybe someday be in the position that you are in right now. Somebody is laughing so hard that they can't even breathe.

Think of all the simple pleasures that get overlooked every single day.. Accidently hearing somebody say something nice about you. Random good hair days. Dropping something & grabbing it before it hits the ground :) When questions on your exams give you the answers for questions on the next page. Being next in line. When the song on the radio ends right when you park. Accidently saying something that rhymes. Hitting all green lights. Finding money in your jeans pocket.

I know it's super cheesy, but I think we could all use being reminded of how lucky we are sometimes. Things suck sometimes. School & work get to be way too much. But hey, life isn't easy. There's a lot that we have no control over, you're going to fail at a lot of things before you figure out where you belong. You won't always get what you want, not everybody will like you, and you're going to have a lot of really really sucky days. Somebody will always have it "better" than you. But at the same time, somebody is always going to have it worse. In the end, things always work out the way they were supposed to.

So I guess all I wanted to was to remind everybody of how lucky we actually are, even when we don't always feel like it. And if you feel like you're just really stressed & have no idea what you're doing anymore, if there was ever a moment to follow your passion & do something that matters to you, do it now. Do what makes you happy. Make sure you take plenty of time for yourself & really figure out where your priorities are. Life is way too short to keep putting things off until later. Take advantage of being young & having the amazing opportunites life is handing you right now. Theres no such thing as "risk free". Everything you do, & everything you don't do, comes with some kind of risk. Remember that you have so many people who really value your friendship, & that you might have made a bigger difference in somebody's life than you realized :)

"If you want love, give love. If you want friends, be friendly. If you want money, provide value. It really is this simple."

My Thanksgiving Psalm

This past weekend I went on this retreat that is basically sno camp for college kids. It was okay. I felt over crowded and annoyed with people because of recent events but it's okay. So, anyway, while at Winter break away we had to write our own Thanksgiving Psalm. This is mine:

Thank you God for the wonderful friends you have put in my life. They have showed me your love. You saved me from my darkest days with love and hope. You walk by my side all day every day and I will be forever grateful to call you my Savior. You life me up when I'm weak and call me to my knees. You give me the hope of Heaven, the hope of eternal life. Thank you for being an all loving and forgiving God.

I am...I strive for

~I am breakable
~I am good with kids
~I am a hard worker
~I am a good friend
~I am a good listener
~I am a child of God
~I am loud and proud
~I am shy
~I am growing in my relationship with God

*I strive to be the best me
*I strive to live for God
*I strive to be a light for God
*I strive to share the Good News
*I strive to get good grades
*I strive to be more confident
*I strive to learn how to say no
*I strive to let people love me


Feel free to add on...or don't. Whatever floats your boat.

Winter Break

As much as I love being home and seeing everyone again...I'm ready to head back to school. I miss all my friends. My life is now up there. Even though I'm not ready to start classes again, I wouldn't mind hanging out with everyone again. Another month of sitting at home...yeah..that's going to be interesting. Good thing Tracy and I still have a few episodes of Biggest Loser left...and Car and I will get to be watch Pretty Little Liars soon...and the guys at the Toboggan run are pretty awesome. I don't know....we'll see how things go...maybe next winter I'll choose to stay up there.

Finals Finals Finals

Who knew I would actually get to this point in my life where I have to legit study for finals?!?!? It's crazy to think that I had my last day of my first semester of college classes today. I have a 4 day weekend and finals start on Wed. night for me. Really?!?!? What?!?!? Where did the time go?!?!? I feel as if we are still in October. Christmas is right around the corner and I can't believe it. Yay for me though. I'm so proud of myself.

No One

I really needs to stop having this "I'm good enough for no one" attitude. I need to start expecting compliments from people and realize that more times then not they are true. And it is possible that I'm the person they say I am. I can't let one person affect me for the rest of my life.

Do Hard Things

So I've been going through a book with my one of my friends and it's called Do Hard Things and it goes through and talks about going outside of the social norm and your comfort zone. It's really taught me a lot and it's reinforced things that I've already known. Today we discussed these 4 questions:

• What areas of my life do I not care about that I know I should care about?
• In what areas have I fallen short of God's standards and my own potential?
• In what areas have I settled for just getting by when I know I could do better if I really tried?
• In what areas have I decided that things "will always be this way" without ever putting in the kind of effort that really changes things?

I would love to have a conversation with anyone that would like to. Just let me know. =]

I really enjoyed going through these questions and it really made me analyze my relationship with God and how sometimes I really undermine His power. It's really reminded me that God is always walking with me and He's always got His hand on my shoulder guiding me through life.

Best Friend

So, I've noticed that everyone here at school has that best friend connection with somebody...except me. I know I have a lot of friends and I know I have a huge support system, but the only thing I lack up here is a best friend.

Sure I have Amy, Kayla, Carley and Kerri as my best friends, but they all have others as their best friends and it sucks. Amy and Kayla were best friends long before I came into the picture. Carley now has Kate and Kerri has her roommates seeing as how she's a senior this year. It just sucks not knowing who I'm going to room with next year or not really having a friend that I don't always feel like a third wheel with.

Emily and I have been getting a long better then ever before and I'm starting to get really sad that she's moving off campus next year. I would room with her again in a heartbeat. It sucks that everyone I would love to room with already have roommates. =[

It was such an easy transition at first, but when I started loosing my best friends from home it started to get harder and harder. And I had this talk with Amy and Kayla and they said they consider me just as much their best friend as they consider themselves best friends. Which was really nice to hear and it helped quite a bit, but it's still rough.

Maybe someone will come around next semester...who knows...

Why?

That's the only question I have....Why???