Winter Break

As much as I love being home and seeing everyone again...I'm ready to head back to school. I miss all my friends. My life is now up there. Even though I'm not ready to start classes again, I wouldn't mind hanging out with everyone again. Another month of sitting at home...yeah..that's going to be interesting. Good thing Tracy and I still have a few episodes of Biggest Loser left...and Car and I will get to be watch Pretty Little Liars soon...and the guys at the Toboggan run are pretty awesome. I don't know....we'll see how things go...maybe next winter I'll choose to stay up there.

Finals Finals Finals

Who knew I would actually get to this point in my life where I have to legit study for finals?!?!? It's crazy to think that I had my last day of my first semester of college classes today. I have a 4 day weekend and finals start on Wed. night for me. Really?!?!? What?!?!? Where did the time go?!?!? I feel as if we are still in October. Christmas is right around the corner and I can't believe it. Yay for me though. I'm so proud of myself.

No One

I really needs to stop having this "I'm good enough for no one" attitude. I need to start expecting compliments from people and realize that more times then not they are true. And it is possible that I'm the person they say I am. I can't let one person affect me for the rest of my life.

Do Hard Things

So I've been going through a book with my one of my friends and it's called Do Hard Things and it goes through and talks about going outside of the social norm and your comfort zone. It's really taught me a lot and it's reinforced things that I've already known. Today we discussed these 4 questions:

• What areas of my life do I not care about that I know I should care about?
• In what areas have I fallen short of God's standards and my own potential?
• In what areas have I settled for just getting by when I know I could do better if I really tried?
• In what areas have I decided that things "will always be this way" without ever putting in the kind of effort that really changes things?

I would love to have a conversation with anyone that would like to. Just let me know. =]

I really enjoyed going through these questions and it really made me analyze my relationship with God and how sometimes I really undermine His power. It's really reminded me that God is always walking with me and He's always got His hand on my shoulder guiding me through life.

Best Friend

So, I've noticed that everyone here at school has that best friend connection with somebody...except me. I know I have a lot of friends and I know I have a huge support system, but the only thing I lack up here is a best friend.

Sure I have Amy, Kayla, Carley and Kerri as my best friends, but they all have others as their best friends and it sucks. Amy and Kayla were best friends long before I came into the picture. Carley now has Kate and Kerri has her roommates seeing as how she's a senior this year. It just sucks not knowing who I'm going to room with next year or not really having a friend that I don't always feel like a third wheel with.

Emily and I have been getting a long better then ever before and I'm starting to get really sad that she's moving off campus next year. I would room with her again in a heartbeat. It sucks that everyone I would love to room with already have roommates. =[

It was such an easy transition at first, but when I started loosing my best friends from home it started to get harder and harder. And I had this talk with Amy and Kayla and they said they consider me just as much their best friend as they consider themselves best friends. Which was really nice to hear and it helped quite a bit, but it's still rough.

Maybe someone will come around next semester...who knows...

Why?

That's the only question I have....Why???

ER

Who would of thought that I would be in the ER more times in my first 2 months of college then ever before? This sucks!!! I don't mind needles most of the time but when they put that IV in me yesterday it was NOT good. It hurt SO bad and I really just wanted to scream. But I tried staying tough and only let out a few tears. As of right now my appendix is looking pretty good, just slightly swollen so we'll see what happens tomorrow when I go back in.

I really just want to be in my nice cozy bed back home. With my daddy near me to help me feel better. So far, I'm not really enjoying this whole college thing...

Crazy Love

So, I was VERY fortunate enough to read this amazing book called Crazy Love. =]I borrowed it from my friend and wasn't able to mark it up, so I put sticky notes in the spots that I liked...which happened to be a lot. =] So I thought I would share my thoughts with whoever wanted to know them.

1. Page 42 "Why are we so quick to forget God? Who do we think we are?...life is all about God and not about me at all." I always struggle with this. There are many times where I make excuses thinking that God wouldn't care if I did this or that, or God's too busy for me right now so I'm too busy for him. And quite frankly I don't want to live like that anymore.

2. Page 46. "You never know When God is going to take your life. At that moment, there is nothing you can do about it. Are you ready?" Am I ready? Of course I'm not ready. Sure, I'm ready to go party it up with Jesus but there is still so much I want to do and see and there are people out there I haven't met, many people who I haven't told that they mean a ton to me. But, what am I waiting for? If God decides my life is over tomorrow, I've wasted an entire day not doing those things, and not doing what God wants me to do, spread his love. I have GOT to get on this.

3. Page 69. "Lukewarm people tend to chose what is popular over what is right when they are in conflict. They desire to fit in both at church and outside of church; They care more about what people think of their actions then what God thinks of their hearts and lives" Oh my goodness did that one ever hit hard. I've always tried to fit in, tried to be friends with everyone, and see how much I can get away with and still feel like I'm right with God. Yeah, well, that needs to end...it needs to end now. It needed to end a long time ago. I need to stop trying to fit in and only care about what God thinks of me, cause quite honestly if people don't like me for who I am and for following God, well that's their own problem.

4. Page 95. "If life is a river, then pursuing Christ requires swimming upstream. When we stop swimming, or actively following Him, we automatically begin to be swept downstream." Isn't that the truth? I have experienced this many times in my own life. As hard as it is to swim upstream, being swept down it is so much worse. I'm doing my best to keep my focus on God and live everyday for Him.

5. Page 97. "Are you willing to say to God that He can have whatever He wants? Do you believe that wholehearted commitment to Him is more important than any other thing or person in your life? Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people He has made?" I have parts of my heart "blocked" off, too afraid to let anyone in to them, even God. Yup, that's going to change too. It will take time, but I'm willing to let God have everything in my life. I'm ready to show His love to everyone I encounter. I'm ready and wanting to do this.

6. Page 106. "Life isn't perfect when you follow Christ wholeheartedly ; you will have troubles Jesus says-it is pretty much guaranteed." This is something that didn't really surprise me at first, but I had to read it twice in order to get the full affect. I think this is something a lot of people don't understand. Life will always bring up troubles, but it's how you act on them and how you get through them that make them better then not relying on Christ.

7. Page 166. "Remember those retreat highs followed by the inevitable lull? Or the excitement you felt on your first mission trip but forgot shortly once returning home? Memories are wonderful, but do you live differently because of them?" If someone were to come and ask me that question right now, I would say no, I don't. I have every intention to but then "life gets busy" and I it never turns out the way I plan. If I lived differently after every Sno camp, or every Beaver Creek, or every influential Bible study I may have been able to touch more lives then I have. Not living out what God has called me to live out is not something I'm happy about. But I have to move on and do better the next time. I need to live out what I continue to learn each and every day and touch as many lives as I can.

8. Page 170. "We never grow closer to God when we just live life; it takes deliberate pursuit and attentiveness." That's exactly what I've been doing, just living life and doing little things here and there to get closer to God. I pay far more attention to my friendships then I do with my relationship with God and in reality I need to pay far more attention to my relationship with God. I know I'm not the only one that does this, in fact, I know we have all sat there and were like "I'm too tired to read my Bible or to pray I'll do it tomorrow." or "I'm going to do this and then read my Bible" and really reading our Bible never happens. Now I'm not saying reading your Bible is the only way to grow closer to God, because it's most definitely not the only way, but it does help a ton.

Now, this isn't everything I learned from this book. There was so much more I had marked down and I would LOVE to sit down and have a conversation about this book with anyone who like to. Since reading this book I have gone out and bought my copy so I can read it again, learn new things, and mark it up the way I want. I would highly recommend reading this book if you have not already.

Funerals

So this past Saturday I attended my papa's funeral. It was really sad and I cried a lot which was really weird because I hate crying in front of people and haven't cried in front of anyone since Charlie's funeral. But anyway, it got me thinking about who would be at my funeral if I died tomorrow. I've always thought about it but due to this past funeral it's stuck out even more. I would want to know the lives I touched, if any at all, and what people had to say about me. I'm sure I'm probably not the only one to ever think about this, but I really have been wondering lately. Am I any good on this Earth?

Home vs. School

So this past weekend I headed home for a concert at church. Not gonna lie...it was the weirdest feeling. I felt like I didn't belong at all. Everything seems so different now. Everyone has moved on and made new friendships and started new things in their lives, while I was hoping to come back to the same old Waukesha that was relatively close to the way I left it. However, as I was home I realized that my life is no longer there and it's up here in EC. It makes me ponder the question...is it really worth it to come home? Am I always going to get the awkward feeling, am I always going to feel like no one really cares that I'm back?

Personal Narrative

I wrote this for my English class:

I never really understood the true meaning of happiness until about 5 years ago. All my life I had been searching for the meaning. I no longer had to search for it…
When I was born, my parents had baptized me as Catholics would to please my grandparents. We went to a Catholic church until I had my first communion. Then we stopped going to church all together. I always felt something missing in my life, I had always known there a God but never truly believed.
I went to church every once in a while with my friends, but it wasn’t until the summer going into 7th grade that I started attending a youth group regularly. I was attending the middle school youth group at Fox River Christian church in Waukesha WI on Wednesday nights. After my best friend moved to California at the end of 8th grade I stopped going. It wasn’t until the summer going into 10th grade that I started believing again.
I was visiting my aunt and cousins that summer for the first time by myself. I was so nervous because I had never really spent any length of time with them. Sure, we talked and hung out at family gatherings but that was the extent of our relationship, so this was something new and it made me really nervous. Well it turned out that the same week I went up there, my aunt was having a rummage sale with some of her friends. I went outside to sit and chat with them and while we were talking the song “Who am I” by Casting Crowns came on the radio; that song was and still is my favorite song. My aunt, who was in complete shock, looked at me and said “How do you know this song”, I had to explain to her that my friend and I listen to this song all the time. That night after we put my cousins to bed my aunt and I stayed up talking. We talked about everything, the good, the bad, and anything in between. She kept telling me to follow God and that He has a path for me. It seemed as if we had been talking for no time at all, but in reality we had talked for 3 to 4 hours, it was 11:00 p.m., we had to get up with the kids the next morning, and we had another day of the rummage sale, so it was time to get to bed. Well after our talk I couldn’t sleep. I kept tossing and turning, thinking about what she said.
Sunday came around; my uncle had come home from his business trip, and after a very fun week of meeting new people and hanging out with my family it was unfortunately time for me to leave. I was lucky enough to go to church with them that Sunday. It was there that I accepted God into my life for the final time. I was done playing games. There was no turning back; I didn’t want to turn back. I finally found the missing piece in my life and that was God.
February 18th, 2009 I got a letter from my brother. He told me that he looked up to me and I inspired him to do something, and that was finding his religion. He told me that he reads the Bible everyday and goes to church every Sunday. He said I inspired him to follow God because I found and followed Him all by myself.
This made me truly happy. I was so glad that God used me as a light. I was and still am so happy that I’m no longer the only one in my immediate family that is a Christian. Growing up in a non Christian home and being the only believer was very difficult.
I no longer worry about the problem in life because I know God will take care of them. I had been praying about my brother for at least a year and God had answered that prayer. I know that I can live life to the fullest as to how God wants me to and I know he’s got a path for me and have everything under control.
May 24th, 2009 I got baptized. This was the day I showed the world that I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I was super nervous because I thought my youth pastor would hold me under too long, all because I shoved cake in his face. However he didn’t hold me under for too long and everything turned out okay. That has been the best decision I’ve made in my life so far, and more then likely will continue to be the best decision in my life.
Accepting God into my life and giving up my life to follow Him and do His works has changed my life upside down. I now have hope and joy in my life. I don’t have to worry about tomorrow because I know God has it under control.
Taking that step not only changed my emotional aspect of life, it changed my life socially too. Ever since that moment I’ve met some awesome people. People I wouldn’t of met otherwise. These people have become my friends, mentors, leaders and most importantly my family. These people are the constant reminder of what I can achieve in life and the work god continues to do in my life. I have done a 180 with my since I’ve met fellow Christians who also share the same love for God. We keep each other countable and on the right track.
Going off to college and being a part from those people has been a little difficult for me. It’s for far less difficult than I thought it would be because I’ve met so many people who are Christians as well. There is no way these new friends could ever help me in the same way the people back home did, but they help me in new ways. Ways that I didn’t think I needed help. They show me new things all the time and continue to help me grow.
Allowing God into my life couldn’t have turned out any better. If I wouldn’t of taken that step in my life I would of missed out on a ton of wonderful opportunities and most importantly a terrific life change.


I LOVED looking back at my testimony again. It was a great reminder. =]

Hello from EC

Hey there!!! I don't know if you actually care but I thought I would update you on life here in EC. My week has been great. I've met so many new people and many Christians that have helped me get through this week. =] It's been a blast getting to know these people. I can't wait for you guys to meet some of them.

Sunday- We had a ton of meetings and get to know you things
Monday- More meetings and get to know you things and a dance party
Tuesday-was a day to our selves for the most part. Just getting to know the town
Wednesday- the same as before
Thursday- classes started
Friday- SO much fun...hung out in my basement and met a ton of people
Saturday- Tye dye!!!! football and I almost died. It was scary.

I miss you all and I hope that everything is going well for you back home. I would love to hear from you, weather by skype, email, phonecall, snail mail, or something!!!!! Just let me know. =]

Love you!!

My last week aka the best week ever

I'm pretty sure my last week in Waukesha is going to be the best week of my life. I got to take the children I love the most to the zoo and we got to hang out with a ton of cool people (Amy, Melissa, and Beth). After the zoo I got to hang out with those wonderful people again for dinner and a crazy night out. Today I get to hang out with the wonderful Tracy Mingo and the amazing Carley Kammerer. AND I get to go to dinner with my sister. =] Wednesday I get to have coffee with my darling Sam Drida, lunch with the sweet Abbie, and fun and games with the Mingo's and Carley. YAY! Thursday I'm at the Packer game!!!!! WHOOOT!!!!!!! This is seriously going to be the BEST WEEK EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

Replaced

So as I near then end of my time in Waukesha I'm beginning to feel replaced. Replaced by everyone and everything. I knew it was going to happen, it had to happen, but now it's just made me wonder if there is even a point in coming back to Waukesha. All my old friends will have moved on, my job will no longer be there, and there will be nothing left to do but sit at home, which A. won't feel like home anymore and B. I don't even know where "home" will be at that point. So what's the point of coming back to visit when nothing will be the same and no one will care that I'm back?

Mom

There are times when I tell myself I would be happier with out her in my life...but then who do I call mom, or when people ask me about her, what do I say? It's hard now to talk about her, I can't imagine what it's going to be like going off to school and having to tell people that I don't know my mom because we've never had a relationship even though we lived in the same house for 18 years. I've never thought about this before. I always pictured myself going off to school and not really talking to my mom again...but now I wonder if that's going to help at all or just make things worse.

Time

So, I leave in 5 weeks. In 5 weeks I will be out of Waukesha in Eau Claire starting my new life, a life out on my own. Scary though. In 5 weeks I will be leaving everything I know behind and going into a whole new place where I don't know anything. It's going to be a scary adventure but I'm so super excited for it. =]I will most definitely miss everyone a ton though. How am I going to live without some of these people in my life everyday??

Career

So, I've really been questioning my career choice lately. I really want to be a teacher and be able to go to work everyday knowing that I get to do something that I love. However, lately I've really wanted to make a difference in someones life, a child's life. I'm wondering if I should change my career goal into doing something that will allow me to do that more. I want to be the change in someones life that I needed in my own. I want to be that person that a child looks forward to seeing everyday. I want to make a difference, an impact. But how?

Real tough

So this week has been real tough. With my friend passing away and having to put my cat down, it's all become a little too much to handle. There were many times that I was angry at God and didn't really want to look to him for guidance or support. I've cried for 6 days straight now and just when I think I'm done, I have no more tears left, more come. It's crazy to think that at 19 my friend died. I never thought I would have to see a 19 year old get carried out in a casket...especially not one of my close friends. It's been super hard to deal with everything, and today we had the church services and as soon as they closed that casket...I lost it. I cried so hard. I tried to keep my chin up but I couldn't do it. After everything was said and done I was talking to the wrestling coaches wife and I babysit her kids and so she told me a story. This morning when they were at breakfast the girl's asked why they were dressed up, well Becki goes "We have to go to a funeral today" Riley(her youngest daughter) goes "Oh yeah, who's funeral is it again" Becki "Charlie's" Riley getting really sad Becki" But remember Riley it's okay because Charlie is now with God and Jesus in Heaven" Riley, getting a big smile, "Right! I bet Jesus has his room all picked out and ready to go! I bet he has a really cool bed too!" That story made my day. That little girl brought the faith back into my life that I needed. =]

Best Weekend Ever

AHHHH!!!!! I'm pretty sure I just had the best weekend of my life.

Prom + Senior skip at the zoo + Friends most definitely equals the best weekend ever!!!!

Saturday morning I took coffee over to the Kammerer's and they did my hair and make up and Tracy got me my flower thing for Josh so that was one less thing I had to stress about. Then we did pictures and the dance!!! It was so much fun dancing with K and Car. Not dealing with the nasty dancing people. Way cool. Then we went to the post prom party at the bowling alley and EVERYTHING was free!! and I won a GIANT bag of skeeto's!! Then we went to Anna's and K, Car, and I went on a walk and sat on the driveway and talked. Then we watched the sunrise at Retzer. After standing in the freezing cold Mrs. K made breakfast for everyone. It was very yummy. After breakfast I hung out and the Kammerer's for a while, then the Mingo's and finally church. Carley and I were trying our hardest to stay awake because at this point we had been up for 28 hours straight. Then K, Car, and I went to Starbucks and got even more coffee. And on our way back to K's a bird flew into my windshield and we were dying of laughter and we threw ourselves on K's lawn and were screaming and laughing and it was really crazy. Then dinner at my aunts and a sleepover at K's!! I stayed up for 37 hours straight...CRAZY!!!

Monday was senior skip day. I went to coffee with K and Car in the morning...surprise surprise. Then I got to go to the zoo!!!! It was so much fun!!! I went with the wonderful Mingo's and Tracy's friend and her kids. I loved it!! Definitely a GREAT way to spend senior skip day! I love those kids with all my heart and was so glad I got to spend the day with them.

Now it's time to head back to school. Bummer. =[ Oh well...one more month. And next week is SIX FLAGS TRIP!!!!!! And my last band concert ever...wow...scary.

Realization

So...I think my theme of the week is that I can only be responsible for myself. I had a couple of people tell me this in the past two days. I've been told this before but it just really started to click now. My friend really put this into perspective for me when she told me to think of all the decisions I would have to make if I was responsible for more then myself, because I think as well all know...I can't even make decisions for myself. I can't even imagine having to make decisions for other people. Oh my, crazy thought. But yeah, it really hit today that I need to just worry about what I can do and what I need to do and not about what others do.

You're decisions are your decisions and my decisions are my decisions. =]

friends

I think it's funny how you can be best friends with someone and then you happen to drift apart for whatever reason and when you meet up again, you pick up where you left off and it's almost as if nothing ever changed. You can having nothing in common with that person, yet, it seems as if you have the world in common.

Blah

I just want to feel better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this being sick thing. I've come to the conclusion that I am around children so much and I catch EVERYTHING they have. Oh well, I love children and I'm most definitely not going to stop hanging out with them. In the past two days I've watched 4 movies and slept most of my days away. I really wish I had the energy to read or do something else. Blah. But after watching Juno for the millionth and 1 time in my life I just realized yet again how badly I want a hamburger phone...I may see if I can find one on ebay.. hmmm....

Sorry this was just a bunch of randomness.

Please understand

Please understand that I never wanted to give up. If I could have my way, none of this ever would of happened. But you have to understand that there was nothing else I could do. I felt like I was fighting a battle that only I was interested in fighting. I felt like something that should be a 2 way street turned into a one street and traffic was being blocked from the other side. I don't know what else to tell you but to please understand that I never wanted any of this to happen.

Nothing else

So, I've come to realize there is nothing else I can do. I've done all I can and the rest is up to God now. He is the way, the truth and the light and I need to trust in him to guide my path.

It may have been a stage that God needed to change my life through. Which definitely happened, if I never would of went through this I don't think I would be this close to God because I wouldn't of had all these troubles that I needed to look to God for help getting through them.

Oh how I love my God.

Does anyone hear me?

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her

If Judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her

Never even met her
(Never Even Met her)

(OHHHHH)Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me

Does anybody hear her? (Does anybody hear her?) Does anybody see? (Does anybody See?)
Does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple (shadow of her steeple)
With all the lost and lonely people (Lost and Lonely people)
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?

He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction



Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life



If only you knew.....

Proud

I can't say that I've been proud of myself lately...but tonight, I was SO proud of myself. During my band rehearsals my band teacher is always like "Sammi! Play louder!!" and so tonight I had a BUNCH of solos in our concert. When I went up to my director after the concert I said "Hey Duffy, did I play loud enough tonight?" He got this huge smile on his face and goes "Yeah, you played loud enough." I absolutely love it. It felt so good to know that I nailed my solos and played them loud enough for everyone to hear. It was an awesome night.

So, when I got my senior pictures done the lady I did them with said that since I was a rep I could do a group shot. Well, we finally got together to do it and these are the pictures that turned out. =] I couldn't ask God for better friends. These are the people that have come into my life and I know they will never leave.

"Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they are meant to be there; they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or help you figure out who you are."

Love you all!!

T.J.

T.J.-
It's taken me a year to figure this out, but I'm really glad I did. Good things happen in really messed up ways sometimes.
On January 12th, 2009 you went into prison. I was so angry and upset that I couldn't explain it and I really don't know if I'll be able to explain it now, but I'll try. All I could think was "Why would he do this to me? Why would he treat me like this when I've done nothing but everything for him? How could he do this to my family? How could he be so selfish?" and the list of questions continue, but I think you get the point. I never thought we would be that family that was so messed up. With mom being an alcoholic and now you being in prison, I didn't know and didn't want to know what else could go wrong.
You all of the sudden wanted to be a huge part of my life, and I wasn't sure I was ready to let you in. I had NO choice but to be there for you when I was growing up, us being 10 years apart an all, I had to go to all of your stuff. You had a choice to be a part of my life when I was younger, you had the option to stay home or come to one of my school events or a sporting event, you just chose not to. I was so mad at you for not coming to anything. For treating me as if I was nothing. I couldn't believe you seriously expected me to be there for you when you needed it.
Then, on February 18th 2009 you wrote me a letter that I will never forget. In that letter you told me you had found God. That I had lead you to it, watching me go to church on my own, watching me change my life around when I rebuilt my relationship with God, and you said you were ready to do the same. I couldn't have been more proud of you. You showed me then that anything is possible and to never give up on anything.
As time as past I've really been thinking that if you going to prison brought about the BEST thing that can happen your life, so be it. If it took this, in order for you to have a relationship with God, then I'm fine with that. The most important thing to me is your relationship with God and that you've reached this moment in your life. Sure, I miss you. Yes, I wish you were here to experience these new things in my life, but honestly, this is better.
I know right now, you may not see it as I see it, and I hope that at some point in time you will be able to see it similar to this as well. So, my point of good things happen in really bad ways sometimes, is totally true for this situation.

Love you always,
Sam

Answered Prayers

So, God continues to amaze me. All my life, I've wanted someone to "replace" my mom. We've never had a relationship and she's there physically but never mentally. I always wanted someone to love me for who I am and to be there when I need it and just when I want to have a good time. God definitely blessed me with someone pretty awesome.

Tracy Mingo is one of my favorite people on planet earth. She has showed me she loves me time and time again. She loves me for who I am, I've never had to be anyone different around her. She's there when I need it the most, and just when I want to hang out. I thank God everyday for putting her in my life and I honestly don't know what I would do with out her.

Sam Hand

So the other night I was at D and T's and they introduced me to this amazing game called Dominion. There are different cards that you can play that allow you to get points and what not. So on one of my turns I played a card that allowed me to discard all my cards in that hand. My following turn I got the normal 5 cards plus an additional 5 cards. Well, then I was playing attack cards, which allowed me to play even more attack cards, which lead to more money, which in turn lead to more points. Let's just say that that hand took me like 10 minutes to play. It was pretty crazy.

So tonight, I got a text from Tracy saying "I'll have you know that the multi-action turn in Dominion is now referred to as a "Sam hand" haha, I officially love this game. =]

Why

Why are you mad at me for wanting to help someone in need? Why are you mad at me for doing what I wanted to do for once? I don't understand.

Lord, Only You Can Change Me

So, Carley Kammerer and I are finishing up this dev. called Lord, Only You Can Save me by Kay Arthur. I've found it so helpful in looking at where I'm at in my walk with God. I've found out a lot about myself, and a lot about how to be more of what God wants me to be. It's taught me a lot about being merciful, righteous, forgiving, and how to allow God to be seen through me.

Doing this with someone else has been really helpful to because it's definitely kept me accountable. It's also allowed me to have daily alone time with God, which is something I've wanted to work on for a while now.

In a couple of weeks Carley and I are leading a group and we're reading the book: Lord, I Want to Know You also written by Kay Arthur. I'm super excited!!

BIble Verses

"We love him...because he first loved us"
-1John 4:9-10

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
-Deuteronomy 31:6

"Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD."
-Psalm 25:4-7

"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears."
-Psalm 18:2-6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. "
-Philippians 4:6-7

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalm 34:18